Whether it’s a physical or mental health condition, offering support to someone who is unwell can help to reduce feelings of loneliness and provide much needed comfort. Some people may approach family or friends first before visiting a health professional, so the informal support we give can be significant in a person’s journey to recovery.
Something to keep in mind is not to put pressure on yourself to try and ‘fix’ someone’s problem. In general, it can be helpful to listen, and allow someone the opportunity to talk about how they are feeling.
Below we explore different ways you can support a friend or family member who is unwell.
Listen and offer emotional support
Research shows that we think we are better listeners than we actually are. For example, we can fall into the trap of hearing what we want to hear, or we can get distracted by things in our environment, such as phone notifications. You can use the skill of ‘active listening’ to improve your listening abilities and help the person to feel heard and understood. Below are some tips you can try using the techniques of active listening:
- Listen without interrupting – The person may need time to think about what they want to say, and how they want to say it. Try not feel the need to have to ‘fill the gap’ and allow silences to happen.
- Maintain eye contact – Keeping eye contact can help to show the person they have your undivided attention. On the other hand, too much eye contact may feel intimidating to some people. Try to strike a balance by breaking off eye contact every so often.
- Pay attention to non-verbal signs – Things like body posture, tone of voice, facial expressions and gestures can tell you a lot about how someone is feeling. For example, are they sat with their arms folded and legs crossed as though they are defensive, or are they saying they feel ‘fine’ but in a tone of voice that sounds like they are angry. Pay attention to non-verbal clues to get an insight into how someone may be feeling.
- Ask open-ended questions – These are questions that start with the words ‘how’, ‘what’ or ‘which’, that can’t be answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. These types of questions can help a person to open up. For example, rather than asking ‘Are you OK?’ you could ask ‘How have you been?’ or ‘What has been happening recently?’.
- Try to keep the focus on the person, and not on yourself – Sometimes we can relate to what is being said, and start talking about our own experiences. Although having a shared similar experience may help people to feel like they are not the only one, it can deflect the attention away from the person and onto yourself. If you are going to talk about your own experience, try to keep it brief, to keep the focus on the person.
- Try not to tell the person what to do – Although you might have an opinion on what the next step should be, try not to tell the person what to do. The person is in the best position themselves to know what will help and what they feel comfortable with. Use open-ended questions to help the person find their own next steps. Sometimes people don’t want to hear about how to ‘fix’ their problem, they just need the opportunity to express their feelings.
- Show ‘empathy’ rather than ‘sympathy’ – Sympathy is where we feel sorry for the person, whereas empathy is the ability to understand another person’s feelings from how they see the world. For example, rather than saying ‘I’m so sorry to hear that’ you could instead say ‘That sounds really tough, I’m glad you told me and I’m here to support you’.
- Be wary of ‘at least’ statements – Although you may think this helps the person to focus on the positive in a situation, it may make them feel as though their feelings or issues are not valid.
Although it may be frustrating if the person doesn’t want to talk or seek further help, try not to force them into anything. Just reassure them that you will be there when they want to talk. The recover journey can take time and is not always straight forward.
Offer practical help with tasks around the home
When someone is unwell, even the smallest tasks can feel like a big challenge. Ask the person if there is any practical support you can give them. For example, this could be help with making meals they can freeze, helping with household chores or picking up groceries. You could also offer support in the form of transportation, such as taking them to appointments or to pick up prescriptions.
Not everyone wants practical help, and that’s OK. Respect the person’s independence – you can always check back again in future in case anything was to change.
Learn about the illness
Learning about the illness can help you to understand symptoms they may be experiencing (whether physical or psychological). It can also help you to grow your confidence in discussing the topic and supporting them.
You could learn more about their illness by using credible online sources, such as the NHS website or charity organisations. Resources such as books, blogs, videos and podcasts are other ways to help further your understanding.
If the person you are supporting feels comfortable, you can also learn more by asking them about their illness and their experience.
Be flexible and understanding
Having an illness can cause a range of emotions, sensations and feelings, which could change intermittently. If plans change last minute, try to be understanding and not get frustrated. Some people may decide they don’t feel like socialising on a particular day, and that’s completely normal. Support them in their decision, and let them know you are there if they need you.
Look at positive things you can do together
Things such as staying physically active and eating a healthy diet are fundamental ways to support our health and wellbeing. For example, physical activity helps to boost our mood, improve sleep quality, reduce risk of disease and support our mental health. Eating well also provides us with energy, supports our immune system, and can impact things such as our mood.
Having an illness can make things like physical activity and healthy eating difficult to maintain. To help, you could look at inviting the person to take part in activities with you, which can help to motivate them and make the experience more fun! This could include going for walks, joining a class or cooking healthy meals together.
If the person is finding it tough to communicate and articulate how they feel, having something like an activity to focus on may help to take the pressure off, and support them to open up when they feel comfortable.
Offer signposting support
The person may already be aware of supportive services, but if not, you could check what charities and organisations offer support online and pass details on – such as helplines and chat services. For example, the organisation Samaritans offers a 24/7 confidential helpline where callers can talk and be listened to without judgement – you can call the helpline on 116 123.
You could also consider checking what local services and groups are available in their area. Things such as podcasts, videos and books from reputable sources are other ideas to consider.
Don’t forget to practice self-care
Although we’ve covered how to support someone else, don’t forget to look after yourself to ensure you are in a position to help others. Supporting someone else around your weekly responsibilities can take its toll on things like energy levels and your mood. Below are some tips for looking after yourself while supporting someone else.
- Schedule time for healthy lifestyle habits – This includes regular physical activity, preparing healthy nutritious meals, getting enough good quality sleep and practicing strategies to look after your mental wellbeing. Check-in with yourself from time to time to see how you are feeling, and what your needs are.
- Spend time with others – Just as we’ve covered the value of being listened to, take the time to meet with your social connections, which also gives you the opportunity to talk about how you are feeling. Spending time with others is another great way of supporting your overall wellbeing and can help address feelings of loneliness and isolation.
- Reach out for help when you need it – If you start to feel like you are struggling, ask for help. This could be from a friend, family member, or your GP. Check what supportive services your employers has in place too, such as 24/7 mental health support provided by an employee assistance programme (EAP).
- Make time to rest and relax – This can help to reduce stress, relax your muscles and give you a sense of being in control. If you have a busy schedule, look for pockets of time you can allocate for relaxation during the week – even if it’s 30 minutes to have a cuppa and put your feet up!
- Put personal boundaries in place – It’s important to put boundaries in place to protect your own wellbeing and prevent burnout. While offering practical support, consider what is realistic for you to help establish what your boundaries might be. This can also support the other person to continue their independence. Boundaries may change from time to time depending on what is going on in your life, so take the time to check-in with yourself on a regular basis to assess if anything needs to change.
Support for unpaid carers
An unpaid carer is someone who provides unpaid support to a family member or friend who may have a disability, illness, mental health condition, addiction or who requires general support in life. It can range from a few hours a week to something that’s 24/7. If you’re classed as an unpaid carer, you may be entitled to supportive measures, including financial support. Learn more about benefits for unpaid carers at Carers Trust.
Further support
Citizens Advice– Help and support for carers.
Mind – Supporting yourself while caring for someone.
Every Mind Matters– Wellbeing tips for looking after your mental health.
Sources:
www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/wellbeing/supporting-someone
www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/wellbeing/how-to-talk-about-health-problems/active-listening
Ref: WPW0284 This information was published February 2024.
