Five ways to become a better listener

Becoming a better listener can improve relationships with family, friends, and colleagues, at work or in our personal lives. It can also improve collaboration and engagement, helping you and your teams to work together more effectively.

The way to become a better listener is to practice. Listening is not a passive process; it’s an activity that requires time and energy. We need to make a conscious effort to hear beyond the words and try to understand the whole of the message.

Below are five steps to help you improve your listening skills:

Remove distractions

The key to good listening is to shut distractions down, either literally or just by mentally blocking them out. You want to be totally focused on what you’re being told. This is also sometimes called ‘active listening’, or ensuring you are giving someone your undivided attention.

Sit up and pay attention

Listening is not just about what is being said, it is as much about what is not being said. That can mean pauses and silences, but it can also mean having empathetic body language. Your body language tells someone whether you’re genuinely interested in what they’re saying.

Leaning slightly forward, smiling, nodding, and making eye contact, often mirroring their movements, all communicate that you are giving them your full attention. Whereas sitting back, crossing your arms, putting your hands in your pockets, looking away or at your phone or watch can all be tell-tale signs that you’d rather be somewhere else. Showing good listening skills when speaking virtually is an even more difficult skill which needs attention.

Don’t jump in

Listening is, at one level, about having a conversation. When we’re talking, we go back and forth; we listen and then we respond. However, effective listening is much more one-directional.

It is about you really listening, not simply hearing someone’s voice while thinking what you’re going to say back. It is about you letting them finish before jumping in. It is about being empathetic, compassionate and non-judgmental.

One of the most challenging aspects of effective listening is becoming comfortable with pauses in the conversation. The temptation when things go quiet is to say something to fill the gap, when in fact, a pause can often give someone ‘permission’ to say the thing they’re really feeling.

Recognise it’s not about you

When someone is opening up, there can often be a temptation to come back with ‘what I’d do is’ or ‘let me tell you about my same experience’. This can feel like you’re being helpful, but in fact, it’s turning the conversation to make it all about you rather than them.

Instead, ask questions back, especially open-ended ones that can’t just be answered ‘yes’ or ‘no’. One of the most powerful ‘listening’ things you can say is the very simple: “tell me”. Repeat back what they’re saying to show you’re really taking things in and, crucially, have understood.

Good ‘emotional intelligence’, or the ability to understand and manage your own emotions and those of the people around you, is invaluable for good listening.

Strategies for improving active listening skills and building emotional intelligence may often be taught as management skills within the workplace.

Be trustworthy

A good listener can make someone feel like they’re the most important person in the room. The best listeners are those we know we can trust, who do not judge, but offer good sensible counsel. Great listening helps to build up trust with others.

But trust also has to be earned and maintained. People who are opening up to you need to know that any confidences, secrets, personal or sensitive information will stay just that.

Keeping someone’s confidence also shows you’ve listened to them because you’ve understood what’s important and why. It can encourage a generally freer flow of information and more transparent working relationships and collaborations, which is never a bad thing.

The importance of listening

Listening makes the person who is talking feel worthy, appreciated and respected. When we give someone all our attention, the speaker becomes more relaxed and responds positively by interacting on a deeper level. The attention we give them encourages them to continue talking and supports open and positive communication.

With practice, old habits can be changed, and new methods learned. You can actively develop your skills by constantly reminding yourself of your goal; to hear, feel and see the whole message the person is sending. The information discussed above provides a foundation on which you can build and develop your listening skills.