The introduction of new technology means expectant parents can now begin to make plans for the future. From the onset of pregnancy, people may move into parenthood with hopes and expectations, imagining their child and how life will be as a family. So, when a miscarriage occurs it can be devastating, for it not only takes away the unborn child, but the dreams and the future the expectant parents have begun to create and plan together.
Sadly, it is estimated that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Despite its prevalence, miscarriage is an experience that is rarely discussed, and whilst a miscarriage does not usually carry any serious risk to a woman’s physical health, it can have a significant emotional impact.
Grieving
Reactions to miscarriage can vary, but for most women and their partners it is a distressing time. Feelings of shock, anger, loss and guilt are common, and are accepted and acknowledged as part of the normal grieving process following a loss. However, what makes this type of loss different from others is the absence of something tangible.
You are grieving for someone you have never known, a life that was never lived and your future as the parent of the baby that has been lost. There are no rituals to mark this type of loss, and if the loss occurred early on others may not have been aware of the pregnancy.
Loss through miscarriage is often underestimated, with some observers feeling that the child was not known to the parents and therefore the loss should be less intense. This is not the case. There is also no correlation between the length of the pregnancy and the intensity of grief and the time needed to heal. There is no typical time frame for emotional recovery; loss is uniquely personal, and we must each travel the road to healing in our own way and at our own pace.
Partners
Following a miscarriage the focus of attention is usually on the mother, and the partner’s feelings can often be neglected. It’s a common misconception that only mothers are affected by miscarriage. Different people process their emotions in different ways. Because of our different needs and coping mechanisms, it is often hard to support each other during this difficult time. Tension and conflict can often arise as a result. It is therefore very important to communicate with each other, to be sensitive, and to respect each other’s needs, allowing each other the space to heal.
Looking after yourself
It’s important to look after your own needs while you are grieving. Things such as eating a healthy diet, regular exercise and getting plenty of rest can help to support your overall wellbeing.
You may want to create a tangible memory to mark your pregnancy and help you move on. Try not to bottle up your feelings, and instead use your support network to help talk through things. If you have a partner, try talking to them, as they may be experiencing the same feelings as you. Try to be open and honest with each other.
Grieving is part of the healing process, but if you are feeling overwhelmed by your emotions think about seeking professional help. Miscarriages happen for various reasons and in most cases they are outside of our control. Take some time to understand why miscarriages happen, and more importantly, why you are not to blame in anyway.
If you or your partner have been affected by this experience, take a look at some of the supportive organisations below. If you need further help or have concerns, consider making an appointment with your GP. You can also check if your employer has any supportive services in place, such as access to an employee assistance programme (EAP) which can offer counselling.
Further Help
The Miscarriage Association – Support and information on pregnancy loss, including a helpline.
Sands – Support for anyone who has been affected by the death of a baby before, during or shortly after birth.
Tommy’s – Provides free up-to-date information for medical professionals and parents-to-be. This includes a dedicated telephone midwife service, a comprehensive website and free books and leaflets
National Childbirth Trust – Things that can help after a pregnancy loss.
The Lullaby Trust – List of bereavement support services.
Acas – Time off work due to stillbirth or miscarriage.
Ref: WPW0042 This information was reviewed May 2024.
